Things are not always as cracked up as it may seem. I hate myself and I cannot find how to make myself feel better. I fill my life with things and people that I would think would make me feel better, but it just makes everything worse. I never know what to do anymore. I hate being in school, I hate my job, I hate the way I look, I hate that I cannot find what I need in my life. I wish, hope, dream I could live my life as the lives of the girls in the books that fill up my day at work. Have adventure, love, hopes, dreams, spontaneity, drive. I have nothing. I live the same day every day. Wake up. Drive 25 minutes to school without having enough sleep and smoking a bunch of cigarettes. Sit through the stupid arguing of grown people who cannot hold their tongues in a discussion. Go to car. Drive 25 minutes home smoking a bunch of cigarettes. Go to boyfriends. Watch stupid boys and their video games. Go to work. Come home. Take shower. Do minimal homework. Repeat. The days I don’t have work it’s the same as well, instead of going to work its more of watch stupid boys and their video games. I want to be happy. The thing is I don’t know what happy is. I have normally always relied on others to create my happiness. I think maybe that is because I am afraid to be alone. I wouldn’t mind being alone for a while. That could do some good. I want to disappear. Maybe forever. | 
